May 8, 2018 Thoughts on depression and family

I was off of all social media for over a month now. It was so good for me - I was able to focus my ADD brain into some decluttering, interior painting, and shuffling around of furniture. But being off of Facebook for that long has a way of making me feel invisible. I'm thankful for those who texted me and whom I saw in real life at homeschool events, church and my home. 

I admit I could be better about initiating contact with people. In fact, I'm pretty terrible at it, so I can't fault others. The truth is that I've had a case of apathy lately. That's what depression looks like for me. It usually crops up after I've reached my limit of 'feeling' - which for an empathic sensitive soul like mine happens frequently. Everyone's anger, sadness, and frustration weighs me down, which is why I often need these month long FB sabbaticals. I can't do anything about the suffering and disappointment in this world or in people I love, and that feels crushing sometimes. 

It's been going on for about a year; I posted about it last April after I accidentally ran over my dog, had a challenging year that ended with the death of my beloved grandmother. Losing her is a deep pain. And when you lose someone important to you - a shadow passes over you, and you are forever looking out at the world through it.

There is healing and progress, but I'm not sure how long it will feel this fragile. A large part of that is because I deal with constant physical discomfort and pain that leaves me feeling like a raw nerve ending.

Commitments and obligations are feeling very burdensome right now, and the ability to say no is finally winning out over my desire to make everyone happy. 

My own self-care - to then be able to love and care for my children all day sacrificially - takes up all of my emotional and physical energy. Every decision I make - questioning myself, "How does this help me reach my intentions of living a peaceful life with my family?"

I've been watching Parenthood, and what I loved about this show is the portrait it paints of a close-knit family. The celebration of life, of children being wanted, and of people earnestly fumbling to communicate and know one another. It's a rare sight in modern media. My husband asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. I see it when Camille and Ezekiel look out with pride upon their family - I want my own family to always be this close, to smile and laugh together, and for my home to be the place of belonging. 

And now for some recent pics:

New 15' trampoline that we're enjoying, a rose garden bed in progress,
and a hydroponic garden 
waiting to be filled with seedlings that I'm growing

They started out looking like this...
...And here they are now.


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