Searching leaves you empty
I have read lots of things about longing and searching this week. I don't think it is a coincidence. I think some amount of restless yearning is par for the course here on earth. But I think we can make it harder on ourselves always looking for that perfect opportunity. We can be so bound by fear and guilt that we no longer trust ourselves to make the right decisions nor trust the path we're already on.
I have realized (this week) that I am a really good mom. Sure, I make mistakes. But beating myself up in condemnation about my weaknesses doesn't bring glory to God. I've been softened, humbled, responding to God's mercy with greater mercy. I'm listening to the hearts of my children. And I will now walk out this confidence by giving up the elusive search for wholeness and better-ness. It's not going to happen in this earthly life. God's divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence. (2 Peter 1:3)
Having older children will not satisfy me
Neither will completing a creative project
Getting my house clean won't do it
Wearing better clothes doesn't fill the void
Reading the right books doesn't ease insecurity
Knowing something doesn't mean you will put it into action
I dream about what life will be like someday, but know that it is empty fantasy. I can hoard information that doesn't make my daily life any more productive or enriching. I have completed goals and reached milestones that were supposed to be earthshakingly satisfying, yet felt utterly meaningless afterwards, and the gnawing inside only called for more.
That's why I say let's stop the fantasizing. About who you will be, what you will have, what you will do. I see this as the biggest temptation of women. You are not promised tomorrow. What you think will be so wonderful someday could end up feeling like a curse.
It's time to:
acknowledge the reality of our authentic selves
the beauty of where we are at in the journey
live each day with intention
put into action what we know